The Society for Unraveling the Eyeless Blonde Conspiracy


At SUSBEC, we have compiled the largest database of these mysterious eyeless blondes that has ever been attempted. We are studying these characters in hopes of finding the common link and therefore unraveling just what is it about these blondes? What are they hiding? What is their true nature? Painful experiments should begin soon.

Case Study #0005


Fooker appears angry we have discovered his secret
Fooker, who is often associated with General Protection Faults has caused our staff a considerable amount of distress in attempting to discern the true nature of these Eyeless Blondes. It is not Fooker himself that has caused us problems, but his friends. Obviously, Fooker's profile fits the typical Eyeless Blonde mold, but his friends also fit an alternate Eyeless Mold. One friend, in particular IS an eyeless mold. He is a Slime Mold, to be specific. We are currently soliciting our SUSBECTs to try to explain how everyone that Fooker hangs out with seems to have no eyes. At first we were worried about his friend, Nick, who has black hair and the trademark opaque glasses. However, on closer inspection, it was revealed that none of Fooker's associates have eyes, and in fact some of them don't even hide it! (See Surveillance photo below). Notice the way Fooker oversees them all as guiding master.

Additional research has revealed that Nick does, indeed, have pupils under his glasses when none of his collegues do. It is our theory, then, that Nick wears opaque glasses to hide his pupils from the overlord, Fooker, for fear that he will lose them otherwise. For these reasons, we are attempting to contact Nick to be an undercover agent in the field. Unfortunately, all our emails have bounced back, indicating that their servers are down.

Our suspicion is that Fooker fits the profile of an Eyeless Blonde, but he has suceeded in partially converting many otherwise normal beings to his cause. It is for this reason that we believe Fooker is one of the most dangerous of the Eyeless Blondes. If you see this man, for god's sake, stay away from him! It is likely too late for his minions and we can only hope that Nick himself can elude Fooker's trappings. We can only hope that the superior sentience bestowed onto Fred the Slime Mold will become his undoing and that the slime mold will rebel and thwart his elusive cause.


Does ANYONE have eyes after Fooker gets through with them??!

Case Study #0006


Shades do not wrap around, but eyes still non-existant.
Jubal is a sinister one, as he has been observed for a number of years and has been associated with the supernatural Clan of the Cats. It is rumoured that he has associated with the sort of folk who practice witchcraft and other such nastiness. It is not clear that he practices the satanic arts, himself, but we have come to believe that the Eyeless Blondes rarely seem to be the cause of trouble themselves, but rather work through others. Has been seen talking to cats.

Case Study #0007


An imposter?
Brent, an art director at the gaming magazine, PvP, falls under the "Riff" catagory of wearing dark sunglasses, even "After Hours." We have not yet been able to spot Brent without these sunglasses, which makes him fall under the same catagory as the remainer of the "Blonde Eyeless." A couple of subtle details have led us to believe there are deeper conspiracies which surround Brent, however. Foremost, Brent is never seen in profile. His dark glasses are especially small, and it is believed that, were he to turn to present a profile, we would be able to see behind these glasses and his secret would be revealed. An anonymous mailer who only went by the name of "Troll" mailed us our only picture that we could obtain of Brent in profile. Our experts have analyzed this picture, however, and have determined that the subject in question is actually an imposter! Obviously, someone is trying to throw us off the case! I mean, just look at him! That's not Brent! It looks like a resident of Bloom County! And if we think for a second about the residents of Bloom County, who is the shadiest character of them all?

MILO! ...who has blonde hair and opaque glasses! The conspiracy thickness!

Case Study #0008


Can you say, "Roots?"
Warren, who is often heard muttering Absurd Notions was the most troubling of our case studies. He seemed to fit the classic character, a man whose eyes are never seen. His opaque glasses are especially devious. Instead of wrapping around to hide his eyes, as most of our subjects' glasses have, his appear to literally recess back into his head! It appears the glasses themselves are an integral part of his face.

Naturally, we were troubled because Warren does not appear to have blonde hair, until we talked with Kevin Pease, who revealed to us that when he first knew of Warren, it was in college. An accident with an ink bottle (or possibly shoe polish, details are sketchy) dyed Warren's hair black! That's right, Warren was originally blonde! He has been dying his hair ever since in an effort to throw us off the case! This man is perhaps the most devious of them all and should be considered the target of great scrutiny. I mean, come on... Doesn't that hair sometimes look a little too dark?

Main Page

Previous Case Studies

Next Case Studies

Fooker, Nick, Fred the Sentient Slime Mold, and General Protection Fault are copyright, Jeff Darlington

Jubal and Clan of the Cats are copyright, Jamie Robertson

Brent, Paige, and PvP are copyright, Scott Kurtz

Warren and Absurb Notions are copyright, Kevin Pease

Advance to More Case Studies