The Society for Unraveling the Eyeless Blonde Conspiracy
CASE STUDIES (Page 2)
At SUSBEC, we have compiled the largest database of these mysterious
eyeless blondes that has ever been attempted. We are studying these
characters in hopes of finding the common link and therefore unraveling
just what is it about these blondes? What are they hiding? What
is their true nature? Painful experiments should begin soon.
Case Study #0005
Fooker appears angry we have discovered his secret
Fooker, who is often associated with
General Protection Faults has
caused our staff a considerable amount of distress in attempting to discern
the true nature of these Eyeless Blondes. It is not Fooker himself that
has caused us problems, but his friends. Obviously, Fooker's profile fits
the typical Eyeless Blonde mold, but his friends also fit an alternate
Eyeless Mold. One friend, in particular IS an eyeless mold. He is a
Slime Mold, to be specific. We are currently
soliciting our SUSBECTs to
try to explain how everyone that Fooker hangs out with seems to have no
eyes. At first we were worried about his friend, Nick, who has black hair
and the trademark opaque glasses. However, on closer inspection, it was
revealed that none of Fooker's associates have eyes, and in fact
some of them don't even hide it! (See Surveillance photo below). Notice
the way Fooker oversees them all as guiding master.
Additional research has revealed that Nick does, indeed, have pupils
under his glasses when none of his collegues do. It is our theory, then,
that Nick wears opaque glasses to hide his pupils from the overlord,
Fooker, for fear that he will lose them otherwise. For these reasons,
we are attempting to contact Nick to be an undercover agent in the field.
Unfortunately, all our emails have bounced back, indicating that their
servers are down.
Our suspicion is that Fooker fits the profile of an Eyeless Blonde, but he
has suceeded in partially converting many otherwise normal beings to his cause.
It is for this reason that we believe Fooker is one of the most dangerous
of the Eyeless Blondes. If you see this man, for god's sake, stay away
from him! It is likely too late for his minions and we can only hope
that Nick himself can elude Fooker's trappings.
We can only hope that the superior sentience bestowed onto
Fred the Slime Mold will become his undoing and that the slime mold will
rebel and thwart his elusive cause.
Does ANYONE have eyes after Fooker gets
through with them??!
Case Study #0006
Shades do not wrap around, but eyes still non-existant.
Jubal is a sinister one, as he has been observed for a number of years
and has been associated with the supernatural
Clan of the Cats. It is
rumoured that he has associated with the sort of folk who practice witchcraft
and other such nastiness. It is not clear that he practices the satanic
arts, himself, but we have come to believe that the Eyeless Blondes rarely
seem to be the cause of trouble themselves, but rather work through others.
Has been seen talking to cats.
Case Study #0007
Brent, an art director at the gaming magazine,
PvP, falls under the "Riff" catagory
of wearing dark sunglasses, even "After Hours." We have not yet been able
to spot Brent without these sunglasses, which makes him fall under the same
catagory as the remainer of the "Blonde Eyeless." A couple of subtle details
have led us to believe there are deeper conspiracies which surround Brent,
however. Foremost, Brent is never seen in profile. His dark glasses
are especially small, and it is believed that, were he to turn to present a
profile, we would be able to see behind these glasses and his secret would
be revealed. An anonymous mailer who only went by the name of "Troll" mailed
us our only picture that we could obtain of Brent in profile. Our experts
have analyzed this picture, however, and have determined that the subject
in question is actually an imposter! Obviously, someone is trying
to throw us off the case!
I mean, just look at him! That's not Brent! It looks like a resident of
Bloom County! And if we think for a second about the residents of Bloom
County, who is the shadiest character of them all?
MILO! ...who has blonde hair and opaque
glasses! The conspiracy thickness!
Case Study #0008
Can you say, "Roots?"
Warren, who is often heard muttering
was the most troubling of our case studies. He seemed to fit the classic
character, a man whose eyes are never seen. His opaque glasses are
especially devious. Instead of wrapping around to hide his eyes, as most
of our subjects' glasses have, his appear to literally recess back
into his head! It appears the glasses themselves are an integral part
of his face.
Naturally, we were troubled because Warren does not appear to have blonde
hair, until we talked with Kevin Pease, who revealed
to us that when he first knew of Warren, it was in college. An accident
with an ink bottle (or possibly shoe polish, details are sketchy) dyed
Warren's hair black! That's right, Warren was originally blonde!
He has been dying his hair ever since in an effort to throw us off the case!
This man is perhaps the most devious of them all and should be considered
the target of great scrutiny. I mean, come on... Doesn't that hair
sometimes look a little too dark?
Previous Case Studies
Next Case Studies
Fooker, Nick, Fred the Sentient Slime Mold, and General Protection Fault
are copyright, Jeff Darlington
Jubal and Clan of the Cats are copyright, Jamie Robertson
Brent, Paige, and PvP are copyright, Scott Kurtz
Warren and Absurb Notions are copyright, Kevin Pease