The Society for Unraveling the Eyeless Blonde Conspiracy


At SUSBEC, we have compiled the largest database of these mysterious eyeless blondes that has ever been attempted. We are studying these characters in hopes of finding the common link and therefore unraveling just what is it about these blondes? What are they hiding? What is their true nature? Painful experiments should begin soon.

Case Study #0001


Note the way the glasses "wrap around" to conceal at any angle.
Our first case study is the infamous "Gav," a mysterious chap, indeed, with no known last name and whose eyes have never been seen. He is blonde, of course, and his occupation involves the well-known evil field of Nuclear Engineering! That's right, he's one of them thar Nukees! His intentions of world domination are well known. Additional concealment is often provided by the "Gavcam," a 24-hour surveilance device with unknown, suspicious usage. If he really has eyes behind those opaque glasses, what does he need a camera on them for?

Another peculiarity with Gav is his unknown association with another Eyeless Blonde, Brent (see Case Study #0007). While they do not appear to communicate directly with each other, one can only wonder about the remarkable similarity in clothes (black vest, white shirt) and hair style and color. Gav also associates with a woman named Suzy Gee who consistantly wears a black turtleneck, similar to Brent's girlfriend, Jade. These similarities simply cannot be dismissed as mear coincidence!

Case Study #0002


Note the suspicious way his glasses appear to have no middle section, and adhere almost seemlessly with his eyes.
Roger, often seen lurking around his fellow College Roomies From Hell(!!!), has been well-studied. Unlike Gav, Roger's eyes have been seen before. However, his "eyes" are nearly non-functional without the mysterious opaque glasses, leading us to believe that these "eyes" may not even be real. Further evidence: Roger has a third "eye" in his hand, not normally considered a typical location for such an organ. This same hand is a known terrorist and, like Gav, a conspiritor to world domination, though apparently against the will of Roger, himself.

Because the eye in Roger's hand cannot see much betteer than Roger's other eyes, we refer to it in case files as his "third eye, blind."


Roger's psychotic hand
(note false "eyes")

Roger's third "eye"

Case Study #0003


Note shape of glasses hide eyes from every angle.
Riff, of the well-known Sluggy Freelance Riffs, does not wear the typical "so thick they're just white" variety of glasses. However, he is never seen without his trademark shades, indoors, outdoors, or even at night. His eyes have never been seen, and his abnormal ability to construct items of mass destruction despite virtually no useful technical skills is suspicious indeed.

It may be noted that part of the Sluggy Freelance clan, Gwenneth, also wears opaque glasses and is not blonde, but she is very often seen without these glasses and is considering laser eye surgery. Her glasses are in no way an integral part of her as in other case studies.

  Case Study #0003-a

"Dr. Lorna"

Is it genetic?
One theory we have studied is the possibility that the eyeless blonde traits are passed on through family members. To this end, we are currently studying Riff's family. To our amazement, Riff's mother, Dr. Lorna, fit the same mold! Yet, she is so brazen as to not even attempt to hide her eyelessness behind opaque glasses. In fact, she parades in public with only an occasional loose tuft of hair keeping her secret. Shocking, indeed.

Case Study #0004


Note glasses "hover" with no support

Alex, a customer service representative running the Help Desk at Ubersoft is a most particular study indeed. The concealment of his eyes is by two huge round colorful disks which seem to slide under and around each other at side angles in their relentless effort to mask that which is underneath. More amazingly, these 3D glasses wannabes appear to hover on his face with no visible means of support! Alex's postures are extremely mechanical, robotic in nature, leading us to suspect leanings towards "cyborg" as a possible explanation for the Eyeless Blonde Conspiracy.

  Case Study #0004-a

Once we discovered the possible genetic link of eyeless blondes with Riff's mother, we started looking to the family members of other eyeless blondes. This led us to Alex's sister, Alice. This time we were well-prepared for the revelation that she, too, shares the same sinister traits as her brother, as well as works for the same company in possibly one of the most evil departments of all--marketing. Oddly, it seems she is the least effective at hiding her lack of pupils. She seems to wear some kind of eyewear, but it is partially transparent and close inspection shows she, indeed, has no eyes at all! Alice may be the weak link that will help us crack this conspiracy.

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Gav and Nukees are copyright, Darren Bleuel.

Roger and College Roomies From Hell!!! are copyright, Maritza Campos.

Riff and Sluggy Freelance are copyright, Pete Abrams

Alex and Help Desk are copyright, Chris Wright

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