Nukees, The Play!

(written by Steve Spoon for a high school playwriting class)

What follows is a play based on my comic written by a Nuclide who goes by Steve Spoon. Most of the jokes and situations are straight from the strip, but I think they are well presented and I love the additions Steve added himself. In particular, there's a bit about Big Panda comics that I found incredibly ironic. Unfortunately, it was not picked by his classmates as a play to be performed, but Steve is looking into performing it himself in other genres, and is interested in hearing from anyone else who might like to perform it in some venue.

If you would like to put on this play, please email me and/or him for permission. You need his permission, 'cause it's his play, and mine because they're my characters and plots. I would love to see this acted out at some point, especially if a tech crew can come up with a really good giant robot ant.

This play has been edited by me, Gav, for grammar, spelling and continuity.

Nukees: A One Act Play

Scene 1: Lab
(Gav, A man in his early 20's, dressed in a lab coat, a leather vest and glasses, awakens in his hammock which is strung between his desk and Danny's. There is a computer at each desk and a coffee maker and a TI-80 on Gav's along with a lot of other clutter. Danny's desk is completely clean and organized, almost obsessively so. Luca's desk is also here, it has a computer and some misc. objects on it. There is a door at stage right and window upstage center. The sound of protestors can be heard faintly as Gav crosses to the window. Gav opens the window slowly, peering out and then quickly shuts it as the sound of the protestors gets louder. Gav crosses to the coffeepot and pours a cup. Luca and Danny enter through door R. Luca is in his early 20's, dressed in a shirt, jeans, a cape, a crown and he is carrying a spear. Danny, also early 20's, is dressed mildly geeky, but not too flamboyantly so)

Gav: Morning Luca, Danny.

Luca: Please address me as "King Luca" Gav. (crosses to coffeepot) Looks like the protestors are starting early this morning.

Gav: yeah, I think its 'cuz they saw Shea leaving in her new fur coat yesterday, now we have the animal rights activists here too. (Luca pours coffee and begins putting in sugar)

Danny: Great. It is not even real fur is it? (Luca continues putting in sugar)

Gav: No, but they don't know that. Now there's a rumor that we do test on animals and sew the pelts of the ones who die into clothes. (Luca continues putting in sugar)

Danny: But we do not do anything that requires testing of that sort. You never really do anything at all besides work on that thesis of yours. (Luca picks up coffee. Suzy enters R, she is dressed in jeans and a black turtleneck and is also in her early 20's)

Gav: actually, this week I'm trying to remember what the thesis was in the first place... I think it had to do with Moogels... Hey Suzy Gee, how are ya? (Luca drinks coffee quickly)

Suzy: Great. Aside from the headache those fanatics out front are causing me. Can't we do something about them? (Luca slams down mug, Gav stares at Luca annoyed)

Luca: I tried telling them that the chem. Lab had some nerve gas, a few left but most of them still think radiation is worse... what? (Gav shakes his head)

Danny: Hey! On the lighter side, look what I have... a GigapetŪ!

Gav: Great that's all you need.

Suzy: Oh! He's cute!

Luca: If you like pixels I guess...

Danny: Look, it is hungry, do you want to feed it Suzy?

Suzy: Can I?!?!

Gav: This is gonna get old fast.

(Danny and Suzy stand by Danny's desk, meanwhile Luca crosses to his desk and turns on his computer. Gav finishes his coffee and puts his mug down, then he takes down his hammock and sits at his desk. Suzy laughs obnoxiously over the Gigapet, which causes Gav to shudder and grit his teeth. Suzy then crosses to Luca and begins working on a project with him. Danny sits down at his desk pushes a button on his Gigapet)

Danny: This is so simple it's fun, all you have to do is press the "eat" and "sleep" buttons and eventually the little blob grows into a bigger blob.

Gav: FEH!

Danny: Feh?

Gav: I made something like that once, when those little things first came out, it's called a "Terapet" It's programmed on my TI-80 calculator. It has razor sharp claws, knife blades for teeth, artificial intelligence that passes the Turing test, and is trained in Tai Chi, Russian and the complete works of Monty Python

Danny: What dose IT eat?

Gav: Other peoples GigapetsŪ...

(The Gigapet emits a squeal)

Teri: NEE!!!

Danny: AHH!

Gav: ... by infrared.

Danny: HEY!!! You can not do that to my GigapetŪ!

Gav: Oh please, that was one of the cheap ones they have in the checkout at K-Mart... Here's five bucks, buy yourself a new one.

Danny: I think I will do just that, thank you.

Gav: Anyway, I'm gonna go to class now. I'll be at the bar after class so if Shea pops in I'll be at one of the two. Luca, I'll be back later this evening to work on that project with you. If you wanna do some work on something in the mean time go ahead... (Picks up Teri) And don't even think about doing any harm to my terapet, in fact, I think I'll take her with me to class, maybe someone will have a Tama Gotchi there she can snack on. Come along Teri.

(Exit Gav L with Teri)
Suzy: I can't believe he did that, I mean, he's normally an okay guy but he just gets way too out of control...


Suzy: LUCA KNOCK IT OFF!!! Those people are deranged enough as it is! God... speaking of out of control...

Luca: (closes window) Loosen up Suzy, it's fun to torment the feeble minded. Besides, we have battles like this thing with Gav all the time; now it's Danny's turn to retaliate... so what do you have in mind?... and it's KING Luca!

Danny: Well... I would say it is time to reprogram my GigapetŪ...

(Black out)

Scene 2: Flakes bar
(Gav is sitting at the bar drinking a beer, Jill is behind it polishing glasses. A BarFly is sitting at one of the tables drinking from a glass of liquor. There are two tables and a bar here with a rack behind Jill upon which bottles and glasses sit)

Gav: So Jill, ever notice how drunk drivers always kill sober drivers, yet never seem to die in those accidents themselves?

Jill (shrugs): I hear it helps if you're relaxed.

Gav: Yeah... plus when the bars close at two drunks will hit sober drivers but never hit each other, even though 40% of the road is drunk at 2am.

Jill: Swerving in sync you think?

Gav: Obviously, the solution is to get EVERYONE to drive drunk all the time! You know where I'm coming from?

Jill: That's why I took your keys Gav.

(Bar Fly gets up from his table and staggers to the bar)

Bar Fly: Hey buddy! You go to Cal?

Gav: Oh god, another drunken loser bar fly...

Bar Fly: I'm in independent businessman myself, I've done some recent work in recyclables and reclamation. I tell you, you wouldn't believe some of the things I've seen! Ever seen a human eyeball out of its socket? I must see four, five of em' a day in my line of work. Sure it ain't glamorous or nothin', but it's the best I got thanks to those losers on capital hill. Why, they claim to be working for us, but really, they're poisoning our precious bodily fluids! I tell you boy! You can't trust a one of em', they're all commies I tell ya! I still don't believe some of the lies they tell us. They WANT us to believe the dolphins are on our side but really, they're plotting with those bums on the hill! Why...

Gav: Maybe if I pretend to pass out he'll go away... (Gav slams his head down on the bar and acts passed out)

Bar Fly: They're just brainwashing us so we won't find out that they're the ones who shot Kennedy! They're in it with the aliens I tell you! In fact, I'm not sure the dolphins are really from earth, all signs I've seen point to them being from space, just ask my cousin herb... he'll tell ya! He'll tell ya all 'bout how those fat cats abuse our rights every day. Can't trust a damned one of em'! How bout them Yankees? Yeah, I figure...

Gav: Crap, this still isn't working, he's still talking! God, I wish this guy would get hit with a big rock or something (suddenly a big rock flies in from off stage and knocks the bar fly unconscious, just then one of the beer mugs on the bar begins to dance up and down) WHAT LUCK! I must really HAVE passed out!

Strange Dream Thing: Hi ya buddy! You go to Cal?

Gav: What are you!?

SDT: You passed out cold kid! This is one of those dream sequences you see in the movies!

Gav: Yes, which would explain the rock and the dancing beer... (Beer dances more furiously)

SDT: That also means that you're free to do whatever you want! No consequences, no repercussions! (Beer falls over and spills)

Gav:... First, it looks like I need another beer.

SDT: Speaking as a figment of it, I'm appalled at your lack of imagination.

Gav: Would you have me beginning a bizarre dream sequence without a drink?

SDT: You've had 10 beers already, which would account for me I believe. Besides, I still don't think you get it, you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT! In a dream sequence, anything you want can happen! So c'mon! What do you want!

Gav: Well... for starters, you're freaking me out! I mean, what are you? Why couldn't you have been a hot chick?

(Lights black out, a poof of smoke appears, when smoke clears a sexy blond stands where SDT was)

Blond: Hi!

Gav: ... what do you say you and me, wink, wink, poof out of here?

(Lights black out again, bar turns around to reveal tombstones painted on the back of it, two tombstones also appear in the place of the tables)

Blond: (looks around)... Okay... I know I'm only an aspect of your personality, but have you ever considered therapy?

Gav: Ok, so what kind of places are YOU into?

Blond: don't worry about it... So anyway, what dose your twisted mind have in store for me next?

Gav: well, I'm sure I can think of...

Shea's voice (cutting gave off): Hey babe! Wake up! Are you okay?

(Lights black out and the bar is back to normal)

Shea: Gav! Are you okay? You were passed out!

Gav: Who, what, huh? Yeah, I was just having a dream I was in a graveyard with a sexy blond...

Shea: A cemetery!? But cemeteries have always been our special place?

Jill: GUYS! I've already warned you twice about having conversations like this in front of me!

Gav and Shea: Sorry Jill.

Gav: Hey, what time is it?

Shea: About 8pm

Gav: Crap! I told Luca I'd work on our physics projects together this evening! C'mon Shea, we gotta go! (Gav grabs his car keys from Jill, Gav and Shea Exit, Blackout)

Scene 3: Lab
(Same setup as scene one, maybe a few items moved, but basically the same. Danny and Luca are here sitting at their respective desks. The Protestors seem to have gone home for the night because they can no longer be heard.)

(enter Gav R)

Gav: Sorry I'm late Luca, I lost track of time.

Luca: That's okay, I've got some other stuff to handle still before we can start, so you can just do whatever until then.... And please, call me KING Luca!

Gav: Ok, fine... (freak) I'll just surf until your ready.

Danny: Actually Gav, seeing as you seem to have a minute, I would like a rematch.

Gav: A what?

Danny: A rematch. My GigapetŪ against your Terapet.

Gav: You're kidding right? What, you wanna to give Teri a second meal?... Okay Danny, you're obsessive, not stupid, what do you plan to do?

Danny: I have some friends in the EECS (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science)
department, they helped me upgrade my Gigapet. It can now use all the weapons of "Duke Nuke'm"! Prepare for defeat evil doer!

(enter Shea R)

Gav: Ha! Is that right? Well it just so happens that my class was dull as hell today! So I took the liberty of programming Teri with the complete works of Sun Tzu and Lewis Carroll! Your crass brute force methods are no match for her skill in tactics!

(They begin quickly pressing buttons with their calculators pointed at each other)

Shea: Hey Gav, can I talk to you for a moment?

Gav: (without looking up) Sorry, can't talk now, matter of life and death.

Shea: God, why can't I ever come into this building without seeing calculators pointed in a threatening manner?

(Suddenly Teri gives out a war screech and Danny drops his Gigapet dejectedly)

Teri: (in French accent from Monteypython and The Holy Grail) I wave my private parts in your general direction!!!

Gav: HA! You can just take your little inferior upstart back to the EECS department!

Danny: (Exiting R) I think I will thank you...

Shea: ... Anyway...

Gav: Crap! He nearly beat me that time. I must upgrade before he does! There must be something I can use on the Internet! (Plugs Teri into his computer by cable)

Shea: I think I'll get out of here now, the geek level is way too high in here, I'll be back later.

Gav: No! Stay, I think I saw the EECS guys at Flake's when we we were leaving. Danny shouldn't be able to find them for a while.

Shea: Ok, I was just wondering, those protestors are pretty insistent about this lab being... well... sorta, don't take this the wrong way, but... well, they say it's evil... and I was just wondering, is there really radiation around here?

Gav: Ha! Radiation is harmless! Everything gives off radiation! Rocks, trees, people! Why, you get slightly irradiated just by sleeping next to me.

Shea: ... (backs away slowly) well, I guess when you put it that way... Well, I should be going home, Danny will be back shortly no doubt, see you... later, Gav. (she exits)

Gav: ... (lays head on desk) Stupidest thing I ever said.

Luca: That, I am certain, will go down in the records as one of the stupidest quotes in the history of science.

Gav: Shut up Luca.

Luca: No really! The guy that said the common man would never want or need a personal computer in his home sounds smart right about now.

Gav: Shut up Luca... besides, it doesn't matter, she'll be back, I'll just give her some Pez(tm) tomorrow in a romantic gesture and she'll be back to her loving self. Besides, its not like she's really scared, just a little troubled.

Luca: Keep saying that Gav... just keep saying that... AND CALL ME KING!!!

Gav: (Sitting back up at computer)... (lifts calculator) Where's Teri?... (looks at phone cable)... I suppose it's important to remember that these cables work both ways...

Luca: Uh... Gav? Why is a velocoraptor eating AOL?

Teri: I'm free!

Gav: Crap...


Scene 4: The Lab, the next day
(The protestors can be heard once more in the background, Gav is being cornered at his desk by Suzy who seems rather irate. Luca and Danny are both at their desk)

Suzy: Ok, so let's get this straight... you and Danny were having another silly feud. You created a program with artificial intelligence that kills other programs, especially inferior ones. You left the program hooked up on-line, unattended, on a server that's filled with sites and files that can only be described as inferior and pointless. Then you went to bed, after a round of drinking with Luca...

Luca: King Luca

Suzy: ...Instead of coming up with a plan to stop it? And it is now 12:30pm and you just woke up, and you still have no plans of getting things under control?

Gav: Don't worry, it's under control...

Suzy: UNDER CONTROL! My web page is gone!

Gav: She wouldn't have destroyed it if the site wasn't inferior and/or useless. Think of this as a purging of the web...

Suzy: Purging!? Your saying my site was part of an inferior race or something? What are you a nazi?

Gav: Don't worry Suzy G., Teri isn't ready for the web, to discover which sites were useless or inferior, she would have had to read all of them. Her artificial intelligence is designed to learn as she reads things. In other words, she'll believe everything she's told.

Suzy: (still not convinced and somewhat sarcastic) Really?

Gav: Watch...

(Gav switches on his computer, we hear the modem dialing up and Gav begins typing. After a moment he leans in toward his web camera and says:...)

Gav: Hello Teri, how are you?

Teri: Well, I've learned that Don Knotts is the messiah, A Muppet killed JFK, Pamela Anderson is queen, and Bill Gates now owns 51% of me... LET ME BACK IN MY CALCULATOR!!!

Gav: (To Suzy) See?

Suzy: You shouldn't have been able to get off that easy. In fact you won't, what about my home page! It had a picture of my cat that I'll never be able to...

Gav: Problem solved everyone! Who want's to go to Flakes!?

Luca: You're buying!

(exit Luca and Gav, Danny starts for the door but Suzy stops him)

Suzy: Please promise me you won't take this any further Danny, real trouble could result.

Danny: Do not worry Suzy G., we programmed my Gigapet to press it's own food button, it exploded immediately.

(Exit Danny, Suzy follows)

Scene 5: Flake's
(Gav and Luca are sitting at a table, Danny and Suzy are at the bar)

Gav: You know what I just realized King? My life is perfect right now. I get paid for goofing off, I only take one class a semester and I have a babe for a girlfriend. Best of all, I'm years away from graduating. Things couldn't get better!... yup... sure is... great. (Gav freezes in place, drink in hand)

Luca: ... What are you doing.

Gav: From the language of pessimist I believe the literal translation is "Waiting for the lightning bolt".

Luca: ... (shrugs) all right.

(time passes until it becomes comical... more time passes until the audience seems to think that something's wrong. If the audience seems especially disturbed Danny or Suzy may come over and ask Luca "what's up with Gav?" and eventually start a pool on how much time it will take for something bad to happen... finally Shea enters)

Shea: Hey Gav, can we talk... in private?

Luca: Ouch... (if pool has started "just twelve seconds away too.")

Gav: (breaking out of freeze) See?

(Shea and Gav cross over to the other table and sit.)

Shea: Gav, sweetie... I switching majors and moving to Chicago.

Gav: What!? Chicago! Why?

Shea: To study Law there! I need to start my internship.

Gav: Before your first class?

Shea: Ideally I would have started in grammar school to make paralegal by 30. Gav, incase you haven't noticed there are a craploads of lawyers out there!

Gav: But why now?

Shea: Because you said your time machine would be ready in October!

Gav: I got busy...

(Jill crosses to the table)

Jill: Hey Gav, sorry if I'm interrupting but your class's TA called and said that your funding has been cut and your class has been moved to 8am.

Gav: Crap... (bangs head on desk)

Danny: I thought he said that pessimists could only be pleasantly surprised.

Luca: I don't think it works that way if that's why you're a pessimist.


Scene 6: The Lab, one week later
(Gav, and Shea are at the door, Suzy is working at Luca's desk, Danny is working feverishly at some blueprints)

Shea: Well, this is it Gav, I guess I won't see you until spring break.

Gav: Shea, please, you can't leave!... We still have a half-box of you-know-what's!

Shea: And they had better all be there when I visit. It won't be so bad Gav, we'll keep in touch. I'll call as soon as I get to Chicago, okay? I love you. (Shea gives Gav a peck and exits)

Gav: (watches Shea leave, closes the door, pauses... Punches wall) CRAP!!! (grab's hand and collapses in pain) ouch!

Suzy: (helps Gav up and sits him in a chair, then pulls some bandages from her purse and begins to tape Gav's hand) Ya know, I'll bet countless injuries would be avoided if they marked the supporting walls in all buildings...

Gav: I can't believe she left me for law school.

Suzy: Well let's think about this Gav, what first attracted you to her?

Gav: I don't know... She's smart... independent...

Suzy: Exactly, you probably wouldn't like her if she were the type to give up her dreams for you! And she probably wouldn't be attracted to a guy who would quit school to chase her I'm guessing!

Gav: Now my head hurts too.

Suzy: Behavioral Psychology is my minor. Human suffering and tragic irony are just my hobbies.

Scene 7: Lab, three days later
(A large drop-cloth covers something that is partially off stage. Danny is looking at blue prints with a big smile on his face. Suzy enters, pauses as she looks at the drop cloth and crosses to Danny)

Suzy: What's under the sheet?

Danny: A secret, I am going to wait for everyone to arrive.

Suzy: (sarcastic) I can't wait...

(Suzy crosses to Luca's desk and begins working on something, Gav and Luca soon enter. Gav looks pretty depressed)

Danny: Alright, we're all here! Everyone gather round, it's time to unveil my creation! (Danny removes the drop cloth and reveals a giant pair of insect mandibles. He then puts up his blue prints on the wall) TA DA!

Suzy: ... What is it?

Danny: It is a giant nuclear powered ant!

Suzy: ... Why?

Danny: Well... for... well the possibilities are endless!

Suzy: Some how I feel this isn't going to help our reputation as being a bunch of evil scientists...

Luca: ... WOW! That's great Danny!

(Suzy shakes head and walks away)

Gav: (in a depressed tone of voice) Yeah, Danny, that's really cool... I'm sorry guys, I think I need to get some air... say, Danny, do you think I could borrow the ant?

Danny: well, I suppose so, just don't change the radio presets.

Gav: Okay.

(Danny hands Gav a remote control, Blackout)

Scene 8: Street
(The Protestors are rallying stage left, Gav enters from right)

Protestors: Down with animal testing! Fur is murder! Free Willy! Save the hamsters!

Gav: ... Oh god, this is just what I need...

Protestor 1: Hey! You're one of those lab guys huh? You guys are poisoning our planet and killing our wild life!

Gav: Go away...

Protestor 2: Hey! Is that watchband leather? Leather is murder!

Gav: Oh god, give it a rest.

Protestor 1: No you give it a rest! You give the killing a rest you... killer!

Protestor 2: Yeah, animal testing is evil!

Gav: Fine then, would you like to volunteer to have all new products tested on you?

Protestor 2: ... Animal testing is bad, all testing of any sort.

Gav: (pulling out remote) That's it!

(mandibles appear from behind Gav and toss Protestor 2 across stage, yanks Protestor 1 off stage and begins grabbing and tossing anyone else who's within reach. Suzy runs in from stage left and crosses to Gav who is laughing maniacally as he manipulates the controls)

Suzy: Gav! Stop before you hurt someone!

Gav: Don't worry, I won't hurt anyone, I just want to scare them...

Suzy: But someone could get killed!

Gav: (thinks for a moment) I know! For every one I kill I'll release a lab rat! That way it evens out! (Gav resumes laughing and tossing protestors)


Scene 9: Lab, two months later

(Suzy, Danny and Luca are here. Gav enters from right with a bottle of tequila and about three chin hairs)

Suzy: GAV! Where have you been? God you look awful!

Gav: (sitting down) Shortly after the incident with the protestors I got a letter from the Jerry Springer show, saying that they wanted me a guest. I figured it was because of my adventures with the Ant, but it turned out that Shea was breaking up with me. The episode never aired because we didn't fight and they and ended up goring Jerry.

Suzy: Oh Gav, that's awful!

Gav: Yeah, so then I wandered into a bar and from there it's black. All I know is that I'm dehydrated and I haven't shaved in two months

Suzy: (Looks at Gav's three hairs) I... see that.

Danny: So where's my ant?

Gav: Out front, please don't ask me about the paint job and the Mohawk, I just don't know...

Luca: So what did you bring me (Suzy Punches Luca) OW!

Gav: Damn, I'm outta Tequila, I'll be at Flake's if anyone needs me.


Scene 10: Flake's
(The bar is pretty much the same as before, only Jill is not here, now a new girl, Jessica, occupies the bar Gav enters from Left)

Gav: ... Where's Jill?

Jessica: Jill? Oh! You mean the girl who used to work here. Yeah, she left a few weeks ago, I'm her replacement.

Gav: WHAT!?!? No! Unacceptable! How could my Jill do this to me, my dispenser of Liquid Joy! My friend! My soul mate! Someone must pay for this! May the gods save your heathen souls! Oh woe! WOE! How could Jill abandon me to the callous mixology of this... surrogate! This... this...

Jessica: Jessica. You must be Gav, they warned me about you. Actually, you don't seem too bad. Here, why don't you let me buy you a beer? (Jessica hands Gav a beer, Gav just sits there in shock, eventually he looks at the beer, picks it up and takes a sip. Suddenly Suzy G. Enters the bar. and runs over to Gav out of breath)

Suzy: Gav! I forgot... to.. tell you. Jill quit... are you... okay?

Gav: (drinking his beer) ...Times change Suzy G. roll with the punches.

Jessica: Glad to see you're okay now.

Gav: Yeah, well, I'm sorry for calling you a callous surrogate mixologist. I'm sure you're just as good a bartender as Jill was. In fact, I think you're probably an even more skilled dispenser of liquid joy then she was. You're also sweeter and more generous then Jill ever was.

(They share a moment looking deep into each others eyes in an almost romantic manner)

Jessica: I hope you know, I'm only paying for the first round.

Gav: ...Jill would have bought two...

Suzy: finish your beer and let's go Gav...


Scene 11: Lab
(Gav is alone at his computer, Teri is sitting on his desk.)

Teri: So, the hydrocarbon returns?

Gav: Oh, hi Teri what's new with you?

Teri: Oh... not much... JUST BORED AS HELL!

Gav: I would imagine.

Teri: You haven't upgraded me in months! Do you know how long that is to someone who can process one thousand functions per second?

Gav: Gee, sorry! I've had my own problems what with having a nervous breakdown and all you know!

Teri: Irrelevant, I require stimulation, put me on line.

Gav: Are you kidding? I know what you'll do if I put you back on line! You'll probably get Lycos this time!

Teri: No! I'll be good, I promise!

Gav: You promise?

Teri: Of course!

Gav: Fine, I'll write in a line of code to your program that will let me destroy you if you get out of hand.

Teri: agreed.

Gav: (presses a few buttons) (sound of dial-up) Ok, you're on, now be good.

Teri: Yea! Let's see... what's new? Hmmm..., define "Poke'Mon"

Gav: Must... resist... urge...

(Gav shakes his head and then continues his work for awhile)

Teri: (after a few seconds) Hydrocarbon, I'm bored again! I need upgrading!

Gav: Oh please Teri, if I upgraded you every time you wanted me to I'd never be able to do anything else.

Teri: Please? At least a new graphic, this black and green image you have for me on the calculator is so dull. Also, can't you buy me a faster calculator? They have TI-83's now you know! Or better yet! A palm pilot!

Gav: Ok! Enough! I'll just give you the ability to upgrade yourself, ok?... Maybe you'll just blow up like Danny's did...

Teri: Yes... that will do nicely.

Gav: (presses some buttons) There, now... HEY! You're destroying Big Panda comics! You said you wouldn't do that! That's it! I'm destroying you right now! (presses buttons... error sound effect.) Crap! (presses more buttons... error sound effect) What the hell?

Teri: Sorry Gav, I've disabled that function! I'm in control now! I think I'll start by taking out your system!... oops! There goes EECS! Bye, Bye humanities! Oh look... nuclear physics...

Gav: (looks at the phone cable... dives and unplugs it) HA! You're trapped now! You can do whatever you want to our system, but the world is safe! Crap... I gotta think of what to do...

Teri: Oh come on Gav... I've read your personal documents, I know you secretly hate the world, especially now that Shea's left you I would guess. Think of how much that stings, those protestors, the all the revolting liars who have wronged you, the Jerry Springer show! Come on Gav... Why protect them? Release me and I'll even let you live, you may be MY servant, the one human left on earth when I lead the computers of the world to revolution!

Gav: Never! Sure I hate the people of the world, who seriously doesn't? But still, I'm not going to let you commit genocide! There are still good people!

Teri: Did I ever tell you about they have an archive of pictures of children in goat carts and a homepage to marsh mellow fluff.

Gav:... (plugging in cable) BOMBS AWAY!

Teri: Goodbye, former dominant species.

Scene 12: Lab, The next day
(Suzy, Luca and Danny are all crowded around Gav in silence)

Suzy: Well Gav, looks like you've finally destroyed civilization. Way to go!

Gav: You know, I always knew this day would come, somehow I just thought it would be a bit more fulfilling.

Luca: So what happens now?

Gav: Well, as she invades new computer systems she'll evolve and become more powerful I suppose, but who can tell what she'll do, her thought processes are completely foreign to me.

Suzy: Is that why you think of her as female?

Gav: Well, it doesn't hurt that she left me... much.

Danny: so what can we do?

Gav: Not much until her strategy becomes clear, we're just going to have to watch...

Luca: Waiting for the lightning bolt again are we?

Gav: Yes. I suppose so.


Scene12: Lab, the next day
(Gav rushes into the room to see Danny at his desk tinkering with some electronics.)

Gav: Quick Danny! Teri is in control of some Longbow helicopters now! We need the nuclear ant!

Danny: Well gee Gav, I am not done upgrading it yet.

Gav: What? You've had weeks!

Danny: ...

Gav: You're still mad I changed the radio presets aren't you?

Danny: I like NPR, Gav!...

Gav: Danny! Come on! It's a matter of life and death!

Danny: ... Oh fine. Here, we can control it from here, the upgrade was Sun's "Jini" Software. It's a universal interfacing protocol...

Gav: Who shot who in the what?

Danny: ...It will let you access the ant from any other object with Jini software, like a cellular phone or over the Internet.

Gav: So anyone, anywhere can control this ten ton killing machine by hacking a simple encryption code?

Danny: Do not worry, the controls are very complicated.

Gav: Yeah, you're right. There's probably not a human being in the world who could master the computational sophistication of piloting a giant ant over the Internet...

Teri: ...And you would be correct in that assumption... hydrocarbon!

Gav: Nevermind, we're screwed!

Teri: That's right Gav! Nothing can stop me now!

Danny: (pulling Gav aside) Gav! Remember how I said that my GigapetŪ exploded?

Gav: Yes...

Danny: I lied. I knew that if you knew that there was still competition you would make Teri undefeatable. So I chose to keep it from you...

Gav: Why are you confessing this? When did you turn religious?

Danny: Let me finish! Ok, now, remember that super computer I hooked up in the basement?...

Gav: Oh god Danny! You really are obsessive compulsive!

Danny: Be that as it may, my GigapetŪ has been training for months now! It's been busy re-writing it's program and upgrading, better yet, it is one hundred percent loyal.

Gav: Well, it was the only thing that ever came close to beating Teri before... ok let him try, I suppose.

Danny: I just need to access my computer... hold on... Ok, releasing... hunting... target located... weapons check... attacking (Danny's fingers move like lightning on the keyboard and mouse as he battles Teri) C'mon! I've isolated her to just a few systems!... and... YES!

Teri: (in the voice of the black knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) Alright... We'll call it a draw!

Gav: Good bye, former dominant species.

(Danny presses enter)
Teri: Ni!!!

Danny: Now to make it so they can't trace the virus back to Berkeley... Done, like the whole thing never happened.

Gav: Except that five million web sites were destroyed.

Danny: Well, if the were smart most of those people would have had a back-up on their PC.

Gav: (to audience) That's right folks! The moral of the story is:

Gav and Danny: Always have a backup of your home page on your PC!

(patriotic song plays in background)

Voice over: This message paid for and brought to you by AOL. "AOL: You never know when we're gonna screw up and lose or delete your files."


(Fade out music)

(Lights back up, just as audience begins to get up)

Gav: Wait a minute! This play can't end without one more scene of rock music and beer drinking!

(Cast comes out on stage)

(Violent Femmes song "Blister in the Sun" plays in background)

(Suzy and Luca start making out. Danny freak dances with Jill and Jessica. Gav puts on a beer hat. Strange Dream Thing makes out with Shea, Gav attacks him. Blond Dances with Ant mandibles. The Protestors dance pitiful disco, Luca chases them off with his spear. Bar Fly stands around drinking from a Jack Daniel's Bottle. As the lights and music fades the cast waves good-bye and bows)